This morning I woke up thinking I wanted to put up my academic year for review. In part because I would like to gear myself up for a year full of writing projects I ‘m very passionate about and in part because I want to make a concise summary for myself to update my portfolio for the upcoming CNRS applications and auditions whose deadline has been pushed from January to February so that the 2024 Paris Olympics don’t mess too much with the French academic calendar.

            I have been very active this year and I can be proud of multiple achievements. Four papers published (three as first-author). My biggest paper yet was published in Astronomy & Astrophysics. Two more have been accepted in the Astrophysical Journal, but these are my first publications in Astronomy journals. I spent a lot of the year writing a review which will be submitted early in the new year (more on that at a later date). I was responsible for the update of the Leiden VUV cross section database update I implemented which came with multiple correspondences with enthusiastic readers and users of the database. I re-read the Spectra and Dynamics of Diatomic Molecules by Bob Field and the late Helene Lefebvre-Brion which has filled me with multiple ideas of future projects. I went through the CNRS auditions in two sections this year and was shortlisted in one of them albeit just below the cutoff. I applied for a junior professor chair and almost got it. I carried out a very successful beamtime at the SOLEIL synchrotron. I participated in several conferences and workshops and in one conference I gave an oral contribution and four poster presentations. I was on fire! And in the process, I have two invited talks lined up for 2024.

            To keep myself accountable for the multiple projects I have ongoing I have been writing a weekly report that I share with my supervisors which I think has been very helpful to keep my focus.

            At the same time, listing my academic achievements in a manner like this seems a bit vain and empty. Last night I watched Midsommar for the third time and something struck me in the premise (spoiler alert) of the film where a Swedish cult is killing off visiting members and indoctrinating others to uphold their sacrificial traditions. In the view of the cult, the lifespan is split into four seasons. From birth to 18 is spring where your childhood is full of joy, play, and learning. The ages from 18-36 represent summer when members start working and go on a pilgrimage to the outside world. Ages 36-54 represent autumn where the members become take on the role of leaders and teachers to guide the younger generations and, finally, ages 54-72 represent winter – the twilight years of their lives.

            This got me thinking. I am now 36 and my proverbial summer is coming to an end. Is this a time to reflect on a single year or is it more worthwhile to reflect on a life lived, and life up ahead? I don’t think I’ve written much about my personal life here before. In a nutshell growing up a child of divorce, having experienced bullying, harassment, mental & physical violence, depression, anxiety; I’ve seen my fair share of unhappiness and losses. The worst losses being the ones where I’ve lost myself.

            The funny thing is that the scars left by others may take long to heal, but what makes the most permanent marks is our reactions to them. We can be hurt in so many awful ways, but in many (if not most) cases, it’s what we do to numb and distract ourselves that continually leave us being hurt. We get caught up in self-destructive cycles which simultaneously mask the deepest wounds and are the wounds’ greatest manifestations.

            In the past few years, it feels as if I had lost several important bits of my being that made me feel incomplete. Some of these losses were outside of my control and others were a direct result of me not advocating for my own needs, wants, and desires. I’m a multifaceted human being with multiple interests and passions. Completely eliminating something pivotal to my happiness (and health, axiomatically) is antithetical to my science. I need to read books, I need to play music, I need to write, I need to love, on my own terms.  

            To me, 2023 has been a year of healing and reclaiming my freedom. Healing my deepest wounds that I’ve had to keep to myself. Reclaiming the freedom I lost because of the numerous superficial wounds I lived with. It’s been a year of recognition of what matters to me and what I want in life. How I want to live. What I want to build, what I want to sustain, but also, what is not worth the effort.

When I moved back to Paris in September 2022, I found a therapist that I saw regularly then and in 2023 to work on my most intimate wounds because I was sick of having external skin-deep wounds continually clouding the deepest levels of hurt that I suffered. I needed this. Not for myself, but for those around me. I want to be the best version of myself to show up for those who need me. I am forever in debt for all the help I sought out and received.

            I am entering my autumn with a sense of purpose. I want to stay in academia, I want to teach students, I want to solve problems and riddles, I want to help young scientists reach their goals, I want to inspire young people to do more brilliant things than I could imagine. I want life to be full of science, music, art, beauty, and love. No unhealthy substitutes.

Now the plot twist.

My life is already full of science, music, art, beauty, and love. I had it locked in myself all along. I just needed to focus on what was important to me to bring it all back.

Come on 2024. Let’s do some awesome together.